Lack of self-respect? Thinking they don’t deserve better? Having watched mother being abused by father and therefore they think this is OK behaviour from men? The most provocative question, perhaps: Does it turn them on in some way?
I’m asking because, basically, I don’t know.
“YOU’RE A WHORE! A WHORE!”
For instance, I have a neighbour who’s in his (I’m guessing) late 20s who has a girlfriend that he continuously calls a whore. The walls are rather thin in this block of flats and I can hear him shout at her, sometimes on and off all day and all night. It goes something like this, “You’re a whore! A whore! WHORE! Yes, you ARE! YOU ARE! WHOOORE!” and so on.
It seems to be the only offensive word he knows. I’m tempted to blame a lack of intelligence.
I encountered him one night when I got sick of his screaming at 3am. I knocked on his door and he was clearly wired and high on drugs of some kind. I asked him to keep it down. He said he hadn’t been screaming so what was the problem? I asked if I was just imagining him calling his girlfriend a whore and he said, “How do you know she’s not? What if she’s fucked five other men? I’m not saying she HAS but she could have done. So what’s it to you what I call her!?” I said it wasn’t my business and I’d very much like for it to not be my business – so I’d appreciate it if he could perhaps turn the volume down a bit if he insisted on being offensive. He then said it was ME who was being loud and screaming inside my flat.
OK, then, that sorts that one out… I’m hallucinating so badly I keep myself awake with my own screaming at 3am. Interesting.
After I said this, he went on to shouting abuse at me for a good few minutes, entirely without blinking, and by the time he was done I was so pissed off that my adrenaline started doing my talking for me. I can’t remember exactly what I said but it ended with me staring back at him, straight in the eye, and repeated – through clenched teeth – that his shouting was overall offensive but particularly offensive at three in the fucking morning. He went quiet, stared back at me by holding his head up and staring down at me through his nose, clearly trying to psyche me out. I was on an adrenaline rush so I stood my ground and in the end looked away, like I’d deflated him somehow, and said, “Well, then I’m SORRY!” in a huff and slammed the door.
This is an ongoing situation. On Sundays (this is clearly a routine) he’ll start by shouting at her. Then he’ll fuck her loudly, she’ll (sometimes) cum and he’ll cum. Again, loudly. He doesn’t last long. Then it’ll be about 20 minutes and he’ll call her a whore continuously for about 40 minutes, she’ll cry hysterically and then finally she’ll shout back – then leave. I always hope she doesn’t return – but she always does. Sometimes – for good measure – he’ll stamp his feet, like some four-year-old not getting his way, and other times throw things. The other night he could be heard out on the street, shouting, and as he entered the flat he basically woke her up to call her a whore. It was past 4am. *facepalm*
He needs to learn a new word. I’m tempted to slip a dictionary under his door.
“…BUT I LOVE HIM…”
She has the opportunity to leave him and she doesn’t. Is it the sex? I mean, from my estimation, he can keep going for between 3 and 5 minutes. I know this cause he tends to announce that he’s going to fuck her and then cums loudly after said amount of minutes. It clearly works for her, at least most of the time, but I’m pretty sure that there are other men out there that are able to give her an orgasm.
Could she be an emotional masochist? Quietly turned on by being called “a whore”? Does she enjoy it so much that she provokes him on a daily basis so that he’ll shout at her? I somehow doubt it. I guess what I don’t understand is that if you are an upstanding individual, wouldn’t you see that this is not the kind of relationship you’d want to be in? Is it really about, “I can’t get/don’t deserve anyone better?” There are only about four billion men on this planet, it’s not like he’s the last man standing…!
I refuse to listen to this “but I love him” bollocks. What I also find provoking is when these women will say, “But it was my fault, I said/did something that pissed him off.” Let me tell you… even if you did, that doesn’t mean he has the right to scream, shout, abuse, hit or hurt you. Love is blind? I don’t know, if someone called me a whore on a regular basis, I wouldn’t be too keen to stay around. No matter how in love I was with the man. In fact, I’m pretty sure this kind of abuse would make me fall out of love pretty quickly.
When I had that confrontation with said neighbour, I went inside and cried for about 20 minutes – because I cannot take it. The intensity he had was frightening and unsettling. In fact, if I wasn’t afraid of him (yes, I’ll admit it), I’d have interfered and got her out of there. I’d have also complained to the landlord about it. Trouble is, the landlord – in order to fix things – will confront the bugger and he’ll know who made the complaint. He (clearly) does drugs as well as smoke pot (distinct smell, etc) and I’m also pretty sure he’s selling shit out of his flat. There are dubious guys showing up at his door, banging and shouting, at any time between 1am and 5am. I don’t want one of those guys banging on my door, thank you very much!
BUT BACK TO THE QUESTION:
Why Do Women Stay With Abusive Men?